Any long-distance relationship (LDR) poses a challenge, but those involving BDSM require extra care. This area of sexual exploration and practice covers bondage and discipline, submission and dominance, and sadomasochism. Characters often assume roles as Dominants (Doms) or submissives (subs).
The Dom/sub (D/s) relationship covers a variety of roles and sexual experiences within the broad BDSM spectrum. There are ‘Daddy Doms’ with adult female companions who serve as their ‘little girls’ (DDLG or DD/lg), masters and mistresses, and countless other variations.
For those interested in long distance BDSM experiences, learning the ropes should occur before anyone brings out the ropes! Similar to traditional LDRs or in-person relationships of any flavor, long distance BDSM hookups require consent, communication, commitment, and trust. Managing schedules and maintaining connections involves extra effort when your partner resides far away.
💖 Table of Contents
17 Sweet and Sexy Long Distance BDSM Ideas and Tasks
The internet offers a lot of information about BDSM, some good and some bad. Rather than spending hours randomly searching through mountains of bad advice, consider the 17 steps below instead:
1. Setting the Ground Rules
After breaking the ice, you have many things to discuss before getting into details about whips, chains, and collars. Whether engaging in a relationship in the same room or on a different continent, you should establish a firm foundation based upon consent, trust, respect, and communication.
Discuss issues that will inevitably arise, for instance:
- How will time differences and distance affect your time together?
- How discreet would you expect your interactions to be?
- Will rituals be rigidly or flexibly scheduled?
Begin to outline the rules, rewards, and punishments.
Different rules will have to apply when engaging in LDRs (long-distance relationships). Are there other littles or subs involved, or is this relationship closer to the monogamous side of the scale?
Missed phone calls, sexting sessions, or face time may quickly erode trust. The physical distance separating you allows for more cheating and dishonesty to harm the relationship, so setting firm ground rules from the beginning holds all parties to a higher standard.
2. Making Full Use of Today’s Technology
In a long distance BDSM relationship, technological portals become your digital bedroom (or perhaps, a dungeon). Sexting, sharing photos and videos, talking on the phone, and webcamming replace the physical touch and intimacy you would expect from an in-person partnership.
Sharing time on camera while touching yourself gives time together greater intimacy than reading words on a screen. Your sexting skills will improve as you get deeper into the experience.
Years ago, LDRs required handwritten love letters that required travel time in the snail mail or toll telephone charges that emptied the wallet. Today, many internet sites and smartphone apps for mobile devices bring your faraway partner to you in real time.
However, the many options that make instant connection possible do have a downside. Other apps and sites you or your partner use may also become distractions.
Part of your ground rules will involve selecting the apps and online platforms you plan to use. Online journals are commonly used in D/s relationships, with the Dom having access to their sub’s writings.
3. Communicating Frequently
All partners should remain in touch frequently, updating one another about events and how the day is progressing. “Good morning” and “good evening” texts, videos, or messages assure that things are okay faraway.
As much as you may crave your intimate time together, real-world responsibilities and deadlines define your life. If poor or sporadic communication occurs, you may have unnecessary and unwanted tension that could weaken or ruin your relationship.
Communication involves more than sharing interests, dislikes, and kinky secrets. You should have multiple ways to remain in touch, everything from texting and phone calls to email and snail mail.
Establishing communication practices is an important part of the rule-making that you should do at the beginning of your long distance BDSM adventure. This might include an expectation that a partner sends a “good morning” text each day or that a sub sends a “thank you” text to the Dom when permission is granted for them to enjoy a climax.
Indeed, much of the communication in any successful LDR is non-sexual in nature. Beyond the morning and night messages that bookend the day, a partner may send words of encouragement to promote fitness and health, discuss world events, or perhaps offer a chance for Daddy to read a bedtime story to his little girl.
A relationship strengthens when communication expands beyond sexting to explore a deeper awareness of your partner.
4. Developing a Schedule with Tasks and Homework
All parties should agree on a schedule that allows the Dom to maintain control, but also focuses on the needs of the sub. The schedule should provide appropriate levels of structure in their lives to prevent them from becoming overwhelmed.
This schedule might include specific times for eating meals, going to bed, writing in their journal, and aftercare. Daddies may give their well-behaving littles playtime for cartoons, coloring, or similar activities.
To confirm their partner follows the assigned schedule, a Dom might require a text or photo to prove that their sub or little remains on task. Those comfortable with sharing their experiences with the larger D/s community may expect that their partner will also include entries in a blog that builds upon their journal.
To maintain spontaneity in the relationship, the schedule should also include surprise activities and requests that deviate from the regular routine. Some of these tasks may be vanilla in nature, while others have a sexual focus.
During periods of prolonged separation, the Dom should select kinky homework assignments that remind the sub that their performance is always under the microscope. The schedule is a two-way arrangement, with the sub also having a responsibility to report real-world commitments (like medical appointments and job duties).
5. Accepting or Giving Commands in the ‘Love Language’
Communication involves more than the spoken or written word. Becoming fluent in the various ‘love languages’ essential to any relationship will strengthen the bonds (and bondage!) of your long distance BDSM experience. Understanding the nuances of these forms of communication and interactions will help partners gain comfort as they assume their chosen Dom or sub roles.
The five common love languages begin with Words of Affirmation that reveal how you care for and about one another through supportive sentences and sweet words, such as, “Have a great day, my beautiful angel.”
Through the Act of Service, you offer your care for your partner by following their commands, accepting responsibility for actions, and abiding by mutual decisions.
The Act of Giving Gifts represents the third facet of this language. This act balances between needing and wanting gifts, whether they are expected or a surprise, such as a meal delivered to their home or a special toy that arrives in the mail.
The last two dimensions of this language–Quality Time and Physical Touch—require extra attention when done from a distance. You should have a commitment to spending special time together, and technology brings you together even if direct touch is impossible.
6. Researching New Kinks
Many people get into the BDSM lifestyle to add a little spice to their sexual life. With that said, having the same seasoning every day, even if it feels hot and spicy on first taste, will become bland over a period of time.
As you and your partner become more comfortable with fetishes that once seemed exotic, you may want to explore new variations, positions, and role-playing situations that keep your partnership spontaneous and exciting.
Doms may wish to give their subs or littles a specific homework assignment to research a new kink or toy. They may have to do a book report or presentation to share what they have learned with their Dom or Daddy.
Any new kinks or activities that differ greatly from the already-established routine should require comfort and consent from all parties involved.
7. Demanding or Denying Orgasm Control
Some BDSM partnerships include rules and practices that require orgasm denial or control. From a distance, enforcement takes extra effort and vigilance because a playmate could simply walk away from their smartphone or computer screen and give themselves the pleasure they crave.
A caring Dom can make demands on both sides of the fence. By controlling their partner’s orgasm, they are preparing them for punishments and rewards on the horizon.
Or, the Dom may grant permission for frequent orgasms, as long as they are shown or shared in a way that gives both parties pleasure. Pleasure play may include a sex machine or remote-controlled toy.
Edging offers a tantalizing compromise position between these extremes: have your partner reach the intensity just before the orgasm, then order them to stop. You may choose to do this multiple times in a session, while you have to be away, or while you monitor them online.
8. Considering Chastity
Distance and a lack of direct physical contact makes self-stimulation a way to connect with a faraway partner. In some BDSM relationships, however, denying permission to masturbate or the right to experience a climax serves as an important part of the dominance of one over another.
Enforcing chastity from a distance has logistical challenges, though the use of a cage or similar device does offer a way for the Dom to expect compliance.
If male partners agree to wear cages, there needs to be time scheduled for cleaning to keep the area it covers from chafing, or causing any pain, irritation, or infection that poses medical problems. Similar to chastity belts, the use of cages or any other device should occur with ground rules that respect health and hygiene.
A key should remain accessible to the person wearing the device in case they need to remove it in a health situation or emergency.
9. Adding Surprise Role-Play Adventures
BDSM from a distance succeeds only if partners remain truthful to the rules they have established for their passionate liaisons. Virtual role-playing adventures can have either structured or more free-form versions.
A structured session might have you or your partner acting or portraying a popular character or following some of the time-honored taboo scenarios, such as the teacher and student or prince and princess. Free-form sessions push the envelope, such as the security officer enforcing a strip-search on a supposed shoplifter.
When scheduling virtual role-play sessions, each party should have an idea of what they hope to get and enjoy from the experience.
Are limitations or boundaries temporarily lowered? How do punishments or rewards reflect the talent each partner brings during the session?
10. Including Self-Bondage
Long-distance relationships also provide opportunities for participants to exert control or relinquish and submit to their partner. The physical absence of the Dom to tie or confine the sub complicates matters, though technology offers an opportunity to share displays of bondage-related affection, either upon command during a virtual session or as a surprise to titillate their partner.
With distance separating you and your partner, you must evaluate safety factors before confining yourself. Consider both your comfort level and experience, so you do not injure yourself.
Learning how to tie basic and sturdy knots and wearing costumes that will prevent injury are important considerations if your intimate performances and actions take place in a location where outside help might experience delays gaining access during an emergency.
11. Playing Games and Sharing Gifts
A variety of BDSM games are available. Some of the card games allow for a sexy evening or longer erotic adventures that may stretch across multiple calendar pages.
You may want to start with a more vanilla palette of games (something similar to strip poker) and try bolder variations as the relationship progresses. In addition, you may schedule some internet-based games of a non-sexual nature as a leisure activity with your long-distance partner, perhaps adding special consequences whenever the sub loses.
Caring Doms often show their admiration and affection by sending a gift to their submissive partner. Daddies and littles both appreciate presents. A Dom might send a collar, a cute outfit, or a plush toy. Subs might please their Doms by sending them some of their intimate clothes as proof of their loyalty.
12. Developing Creative Rules and Long Distance Punishments
A Dom sexting a virtual spanking on a phone or computer lacks the intensity of the real thing. As the relationship moves forward, partners should consider incorporating rules and punishments that bring accountability with consequences that go beyond words and emojis on a screen.
Subs that misbehave, act disobediently, violate the rules, or fail to live up to their Dom’s expectations should face consequences. New rules might let the Dom determine which clothes or underwear should be worn and require evidence, such as a photo sent from work.
Smart aleck subs might be prohibited from enjoying their favorite food, dessert, or drink. Similar to the chalkboards of yesteryear, the sub might have to handwrite the same sentence 100 times on a sheet of paper (“I will listen to Daddy . . .”) and send it to the Dom through snail mail.
13. Applying a Remote-Controlled Vibrator
Technology fosters the ability to have long-distance touch like never before! Long distance Doms may expect their subs to wear a vibrator linked to their smartphone.
This allows for the Dom to control the toy from a distance, perhaps by sending a signal to turn it on unexpectedly when their sub ventures out of the house. The random nature of the vibrator’s sessions certainly will create some unexpected–and orgasmic–moments.
A Dom might also activate a remote-controlled vibrator during sexting or mutual masturbation sessions to give a personal touch from a distance. Starting and stopping this embedded toy adds intensity to the moment and keeps the Dom in control.
14. Offering Aftercare to Prevent “Sub-Drop”
When an intense session climaxes, a partner may seem overwhelmed with emotions and biochemical sensations in their body. Sub-drop describes emotions and actions–such as shaking, crying, laughing, or loneliness–that occur after partners spend time together in their deep domination and sexual fantasies.
Similar to the way that one should never get dressed and simply walk away after in-person intimacy, partners in long-distance BDSM relationships must plan for aftercare to make sure that everyone–but especially the sub–has recovered from the emotional, physical, and temperamental temptations they have just experienced.
It is incorrect to assume that aftercare has less significance in a long-distance relationship. Indeed, the space separating you and your partner may inhibit your ability to make sure that they have recovered from the experience, especially if the session involved levels of pain and punishment that might open dark doors of depression.
Scheduling some time afterward to talk, share a movie or other program by video call, or otherwise unwind is an important way to offer aftercare that keeps the relationship strong and safe.
15. Handling Tension Due to Distance and Periods of Absence
Real-world commitments sometimes interfere with D/s passionate schedules. Deadlines and obligations that a faraway partner has will inevitably interfere with your playtime. Even when you adjust your schedules to compensate for different time zones, you may experience periods of absence that bother or frustrate you.
During these downtimes, fill your schedule with other activities. Some of these may divert your thoughts from the intimate moments you miss.
You might exercise, call a friend, or perform chores or tasks on your to-do list. If a Dom must disappear for a while, the sub might want to keep a journal or create a ritualized schedule that keeps a sub focused on duties in the Dom’s absence.
16. Considering a Transition From Long Distance Dom/Sub Relationship to an In-Person Relationship
If you and your partner enjoy all of the dimensions of your D/s relationship, conversations might begin about bridging the physical distance. The prospect of turning a long-distance BDSM partnership into one closer to home brings new energy and excitement.
You may also experience some anxiety, especially if you have kept this part of your life an absolute secret from family, friends, co-workers, and colleagues.
Both partners must commit to serious conversations and communication before anyone calls a moving van or quits their job. Ask realistic and tough questions:
- Who plans to move?
- How will this life-changing decision affect your finances, friendships, and social and professional networks outside of the BDSM world?
Realize that the ‘honeymoon period’ will end, even in the best of relationships. Some things enjoyed via distance may not carry the same euphoric feelings and gratification in a different place or a direct contact setting.
When the shock of real life hits, will you have the resources and strength to cope with the anxiety, stress, and tension?
17. Moving Forward with Dignity
Similar to in-person unions, some long-distance relationships will change, fail, or end. If the thrill disappears or individuals want to move on, participants should be honest with themselves as well as anyone else involved:
- Have you met somebody else closer to home?
- Have you found another partner, even if you kept that secret from your current Dom or Daddy?
- Have the ground rules changed in a way that makes you uncomfortable?
Remember the strong boundaries of trust and honesty that served as the foundation of your LDR? If circumstances have changed and you wish to venture in a different direction, move forward in a way that preserves your dignity and your partner’s dignity as well.
Although easier said than done, do whatever you can to bring closure in a way that does not include anger.
Frequently Asked Questions about LDR BDSM
These are just some of the more popular questions asked about D/s long-distance relationships:
How to Be a Dom in a Long Distance Relationship?
To be a Dominant (Dom) in a long-distance relationship, open communication and trust are paramount. Establish clear roles, consent, and limits with your partner. Utilize virtual tools for commands, tasks, and maintaining rituals.
Prioritize emotional connection and incorporate surprises to keep the excitement alive, while also respecting each other’s boundaries and well-being.
How should you handle a Dom’s long-distance demand to perform a certain act immediately when it occurs at a compromising time?
For people who keep their kinks secret, they cannot happen in the middle of a workday meeting. In situations where performing an act will compromise your safety, security, or well-being, it is best to have an agreed-upon safe word that you can use to postpone the activity. Of course, your Dom may have other punishments waiting for that sexy rescheduling!
How can a Dom successfully dispense long distance BDSM punishments?
For the best results and the most pleasure, both Dom and sub need to develop parameters when setting the ground rules. A true sub considers absolute compliance part of their obligation, regardless of distance.
Providing evidence of compliance may result in the Dom sending rewards or requiring mutually-stimulating online “furnishment” sessions.
How do you know if someone is a good fit as a long-distance BDSM partner?
Avoid diving deep into the kink on the first connection. Take time to build trust before transitioning to full D/s. This is not a one-time webcam session, so be skeptical, ask questions, and get to know the prospective long-distance partner a little better before jumping in the deep end.
