Thanks to the introduction of the internet, it’s a small world after all. Once upon a time, finding someone a few cities away, much less across the globe, was unfathomable.
For most of history, people built a network of connections through those that were in the town they grew up in.
A lot has changed, especially in the last couple of decades. It’s been reported that over 40% of new relationships have gotten their start online.
I, too, can attest to the success of finding a mate using a computer. I met my husband on the now-defunct MySpace in 2009. We lived 1,000 miles away from each other, the likelihood of meeting in any other way was basically zero.
Happily, the search option led him to my profile. When he discovered our twin-level music match, he reached out to me. Within a few weeks, he flew halfway across the US to meet up.
The rest, as they say, is history. But as sweet as that sounds, we’ve had plenty of stents of being long-distance.
It’s definitely not smooth sailing. There’s nothing as frustrating as arguing with someone you can’t give a disgusted look to. So, here are eight ways to make the best of long distance fights.
💖 Table of Contents
8 Tips for Dealing with Long Distance Relationship Arguments and Fights
1. Communicate More in a Meaningful Way
Being far from each other means there are no face-to-face squabbles happening. Perhaps you’re on a video chat or phone call when the conversation goes sour.
In this instance, it’s easy to just hang up and turn your phone off and ghost the other person.
As tempting as it is to do what you can to avoid talking to them right now, that’s not the most mature response to a disagreement, particularly when you’re not close by.
If the same war of words happened in person, you’d have the chance to talk it out, even if one of you did storm off.
It’s important to fill the void of physical interaction with an overabundance of communication.
This gives you both the opportunity to get descriptive about what’s bothering you. The more you explain, the better you’ll grow in the relationship and as people.
2. Plan to Lessen Frustration
Going on dates when you live 20 minutes away is a home run. Going on a real date when your partner is across the ocean is a whole new ballgame.
So, it’s not unsurprising that this can be a point of contention when it comes to seeing one another.
For many long-distance relationships, it would take a massive effort for the partners to meet. Whether it be one partner visiting the other or both meeting somewhere in between.
The effort requires a lot of coordination, strategy, and financial backing. There may even be one of you who is a tad more pessimistic and might not even feel like it’s a possibility.
Before this subject lingers too long and causes too many arguments, it’s important to remember that you are able to make your own plan. So, you can’t do it anytime soon?
That’s okay! What matters most is that it is a goal. One thing I’ve learned in life is that if you don’t plan for it, it’s not going to happen.
Have you ever met someone who has so many big dreams but has not taken one step in any direction? Achievements don’t just fall in your lap; you have to make a path to them.
Instead of arguing over when it’s going to happen, talk about what an acceptable date in the future could be. If money is holding you back, pick a date further in the future.
Either way, focusing on a range will help both of you have a little more commitment to getting together. It’s something to shoot for.
Say you pick a date eight months from now. That gives both of you the time to set aside money for a plane ticket and make trip-related purchases one by one.
Planning this way should keep either of you from having to feel overwhelmed.
3. Get Ahead of the Future
If you’ve been together long enough to consider your coupling seriously, this question of what the future will bring has definitely come up.
It can be particularly tough if you’re from a different continent. The next step is a touchy subject for many.
Having a mate that is very close to family is a top hesitation for them leaving their homeland. Another possibility is fear of the unknown in a new place.
Whatever the reason, it’s something that has to be discussed. This goes back to communication. Being on the same page will bring understanding to all parties involved.
Keep an open dialogue with your partner about an eventual move, especially if you both feel strongly in opposite directions. The couples who are most likely to make it are the ones who can compromise.
However, when you do so, it’s important to not hold in resentment over doing something you don’t want to do.
If, after the conversation of bending more to their side goes through and you still feel against the decision, it must be voiced.
In the end, the two of you have to live somewhere. If you can’t find an easy way to pick who does the move, maybe you both should move to a neutral place, so no one feels they lost the battle.
Another solution would be to agree to trade off after a specified number of years.
So, for example, you can move to where they are from if, in three years, they are willing to spend a portion of their life where you’re from.
4. Stay Respectful
For some, when they are getting heated in a verbal altercation, they say things that they will come to regret later on.
No matter what your background, it’s always tempting to say hurtful things to the other person when you feel like that person has hurt you.
For this specific type of relationship, though, you must be even more careful than you normally would when you get into your emotions. This is also true if you’re dating someone from another culture.
If you just start spouting off at the mouth when you’re mad, you might do more damage than you intended. Certain words or insinuations could have a devastating impact on your partner’s mental health.
Remember, once the clash is over, you’ll have to answer for the things you said in the heat of the moment.
Whenever I felt like my partner was about to go too far, I’d say, “Don’t say something you can’t take back later.” Even if said out of tension, some words cut too deep and can break a bond.
5. Address Differences in Lifestyles
Wildly varying lifestyles can actually break a relationship altogether if they can’t come to some sort of middle ground.
I have a friend who lives in western Europe and is married to a woman from Malaysia. He is more of a serious guy with an office job.
Before they were married, his wife was a party girl with tons of friends and an exciting job that she was often out doing. They were also having to suffer through a six-hour time difference.
As he was getting off work, she was out enjoying the night with her friends. Once she got home, she went straight to bed. He would tiptoe around his weekends in the hope that they would have a chat session.
She expected him to be around and answer when she called, even though they weren’t taking each other’s schedule into account.
He needed more communication from her, and she wanted to prioritize fun. Luckily, they were able to compromise.
She would set aside an evening to spend with him and he would plan activities for himself, knowing he had a session to look forward to.
That’s a simple example of a difference in lifestyle, but it can get far more complex. If the two people in question are not part of the same religion or culture, that might cause a divide that can’t be as easily glazed over.
These types of deep subjects are actually important to talk about early on. When you are too far apart to be accepting of the other person’s view of things, it might mean trouble for the relationship as a whole.
However, if the two of you are even somewhat flexible, the details can be ironed out. I actually knew an older gentleman who served in WWII and married a Japanese woman he met in the service.
They were both active in different religions and neither was willing to bend on that subject.
So, the compromise was that on Sunday, she would go to her place of worship, and he would go to his. When I met him, they had been married for 60 years.
6. Take a Breath
If you feel like you’re teetering over the edge with rude comments, it’s a sign to walk away temporarily. This is when to calmly state that you need to take a few minutes to get your thoughts straight and you’ll call back.
Not at some unexpected or to-be-determined hour but try to step back with the expectation of a callback. The reason for this is that no one likes to be left hanging.
When tensions are high, there’s clearly a lot going on. The last thing you want your partner to feel is that they have been dismissed.
Let them know you want to finish this discussion. No one likes to fight, but even more so, no one likes to fight over and over about the same thing.
7. Allow Your Partner Time to Process
When a partner tells you they need a moment to regroup, give that to them. Don’t start yelling or accusing them of not caring about how you feel.
Give them the chance to do exactly what they said. If you can’t trust them to come back to your call, how will you trust them to go out when you’re living together?
Some people have a tendency to vocally poke someone repeatedly in a dispute, hoping for a reaction. This goes for people in the same home as well.
You can have one person who walks away from a fight and the other follows them around the house just egging on angry feelings.
When you’re at a distance, this behavior can show up as calling someone repeatedly, sending them a plethora of messages, or even getting in contact with people close to the partner.
This is someone who will use any tactic to try to get to that person. It’s likely if you’re dealing with someone who is that tenacious, they didn’t learn coping skills before this relationship.
If you’re dating this personality type, explain to them why this is problematic.
If this sounds like you, take a moment to consider why it is you feel the need to act out in this way. Try working on just letting someone be.
8. Create a Safe Space
After the wrangle is over and after everyone has had a chance to think about things, it’s time to come back together.
This isn’t just a normal gathering though. A conversation after a disagreement can be awkward, especially if there’s any lingering resentment.
What you need to do is establish this discussion as the equivalent of a safe space for both of you. Going into this chat, both sides have calmed down and are ready to move forward.
The only productive way to accomplish that is to be able to feel resolved about the situation.
The way you make it safe is, in the beginning, explaining that during this call everyone has the floor with no repercussions. You need to get out what’s on your mind and get to the heart of the problem.
This way, no one should be afraid to speak their mind. Let’s air out the dirty laundry, right here between the two of you.
What’s important is that the two of you can work together. If you can’t work together on big issues and arguments when you’re so far away, it’s only going to get more challenging in person.
Be open-minded and take the time to listen to one another and you can settle any point of dissension.
